Tomorrow I leave for IHOP, the International House of Prayer, which is in Kansas City, MO. It's a prayer/worship center where constant prayer and intercessory worship has been happening for years. I'm going with 5 other of my bible study group members. It should be interesting.

Ok I have to admit, being an unemployed 23 year old does not amount to being more productive on a daily basis. I'm proving a lot of people right and myself wrong. It's hard to schedule myself everyday. Number of times I've gone to sleep thinking I should wake up early to work out: 4. Number of times I've actually done this: 0. Number of times I've kicked myself in the butt after sleeping in late, walking outside and seeing how gorgeous the day is, making it perfect for an early morning run: 2.

*sigh*

I am naturally lazy. But there's so much I want to do. Maybe an excel spreadsheet schedule would help? My dad used to make me do those.

Actually, my dad's been surprising laidback about me "searching for myself" as he puts it. I think this is a positive sign and shows how far my family has come. They used to tolerate a lot less.

The good thing is, I've looked at my options and decided 1) I'm not going to be at IHOP for an extended stay, 2) I registered for music classes at Foothill College

and 3) It's probably stupid to worry about what other people think now that I'm an unemployed 23 year old living at home with no intention to find a job right now. And it's also silly to worry about what other people think if I do or don't do anything that they think is a worthwhile waste of my time. Who cares if they approve of what I do with my time and if I'm a loser? I also feel frustrated because I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I think I care more if I'm losing myself if I'm wasting my time. That's a frustrating feeling. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere on a "project". And I'm also lazy-that's easy problem to solve-easier to say it's easy to solve than to actually solve it. Yet to get up and solve it is the easiest thing possible and saves a lot of headache adn time.

Yet, I also have been realizing that to get something done I need to completely rely on Christ... I mean get something done in the way that 1) I want to become the person God wants me to be 2) I want to be this person so I can rely on Him and perform well on the project He's assigned to me and 3) I want to give myself to Him and be part of Him (but lately I've been treating this also like a task). The problem with all these goals is that first of all, I shouldn't treat these items like goals and pursue them the way I'd do a chore and cross it off the checklist.

I need to carry my own cross. Come to the realization I guess? of my own reliance on Him. And then cry out for more God.

I realized today that when people keep telling me to submit to Him, they were right. I kept trying to submit to God, by just telling Him "I give everything to You". But I keep hitting a block and I felt no closer to God for the last 2 weeks (something that finally changed on Christmas Eve when I realized why). Maybe God has a different interpretation of submitting than the interpretation I have.

I keep talking about love on this blog. Today I was reading the 1 Corinthians 13:4 passage about love.

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

A realization struck me. What God sees as submitting is to love others. To love as 1 Corinthians 13:4. This is the deepest kind of submitting, because to do so means to start losing the selfish part of yourself and because God IS love itself. To love others will only be doing God a kindness. To lose yourself.

I have been having a tough time really being love to others. I have selfish tendencies. Sometimes I don't feel I have the time or patience to spare others. And I have some bitter wounds that cause me to feel want to not love as I should. I could strike out and treat others as some people who hurt me in the past have. I think already I'm showing some poisonous patterns and I need to change them before I lose the parts of myself I've worked so hard to get back. I talked to Jay recently, and he helped me heal by helping me to understand what happened from his perspective. He told me he loved me, that it wasn't because I'm worthless that he treated me the way he do. He treated me a certain way because he didn't believe someone could actually love him so much, so he kept trying to do different things to make me prove my love=a kinda preverse way of pushing me away and seeing if I really meant it when I said I loved him. :/ He apologized. The relatioinship was a good lesson for both of us. It made me so sad in the past, but I see now the good that's coming out of the bad, like everything else in my life. I guess, now God and time has changed him too. When I asked Jay if he still loves me, he said he loves me but not like he used to, that that the love has evolved and matured. I agreed with him. The last thing I need is entanglement in an old love affair when I'm trying to do something new with my life, but it is good to talk to someone who does know me really well and can give me perspective. I wouldn't want to get back with Jay, but I'm glad to see God has done a good, redeeming work in Jay's life too. It makes me feel relieved that God has a plan for good and happy to see that God loves Jay too.

Also, when I asked Jay what I can do to break any destructive patterns from my past, he told me something that I'm glad he said. Jay said, "You have to forgive. Bring your pain to God...Put down the fear."

Hopefully this realization and verse will help me with time.

MercyMe Lyrics

"Meeting is the beginning of parting"
Japanese proverb

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I quit my job yesterday. After I drove up to work, I prayed. Finally I made up my mind. My boss called me in to talk to him and I gave him my 2-weeks notice. He asked if I wanted to stay for 2 more weeks or leave that day. I decided it was best to leave. In half an hour, I had cleaned out my desk, packed and said goodbye to everyone. It was abrupt. But before I made the decision, I was suffering from a crazy rollercoaster emotional ride. Now, I feel soooo calm. It almost feels like I'm on Prozac.

I spent most of the day today learning guitar from a friend and finding opportunities for the next month or so. Life is looking up. I am truly blessed.

Quote of the Day - Daniel J. Boorstin - "Freedom means the opportunity to be what we never thought we would be."

Not that I didn't know this..but I guess being quoted gives one's statement more authority

Quote of the Day - David Sarnoff - "Nobody can be successful unless he loves his work."

I'm not weird!

To give or not to give?

In order to go higher

I am at a place where I can not beaer certain compromises I see in my life. I am tired of being stuck, of being a nice Christian, of being respectable and nice.

Someone told me last weekend, at the Winter Retreat (the subject was about strengthening the inner spiritual man), that "It's worth wasting your life away for Jesus." I just looked at him with big, wondering eyes, thinking inside, is he talking about other people's opinion of me wasting my life or his opinion of what a wasted life could be or my opinion of what could be wasting my life? But if I'm not doing what I'm called to do or want to do, am I not wasting my life? Looking back, will I regret trading my dreams for lesser ones just to please other people? Is it worth it for someone else's good opinion?

I wonder if this relates, if this has anything to do with my performance lately at work. I have been dissatisfied with my job for a month or so now. It's compromising the quality of my life in a way..I want to quit. My boss told me today I'm purposely messing up. I think my boss wants to fire me.