Tomorrow I leave for IHOP, the International House of Prayer, which is in Kansas City, MO. It's a prayer/worship center where constant prayer and intercessory worship has been happening for years. I'm going with 5 other of my bible study group members. It should be interesting.

Ok I have to admit, being an unemployed 23 year old does not amount to being more productive on a daily basis. I'm proving a lot of people right and myself wrong. It's hard to schedule myself everyday. Number of times I've gone to sleep thinking I should wake up early to work out: 4. Number of times I've actually done this: 0. Number of times I've kicked myself in the butt after sleeping in late, walking outside and seeing how gorgeous the day is, making it perfect for an early morning run: 2.

*sigh*

I am naturally lazy. But there's so much I want to do. Maybe an excel spreadsheet schedule would help? My dad used to make me do those.

Actually, my dad's been surprising laidback about me "searching for myself" as he puts it. I think this is a positive sign and shows how far my family has come. They used to tolerate a lot less.

The good thing is, I've looked at my options and decided 1) I'm not going to be at IHOP for an extended stay, 2) I registered for music classes at Foothill College

and 3) It's probably stupid to worry about what other people think now that I'm an unemployed 23 year old living at home with no intention to find a job right now. And it's also silly to worry about what other people think if I do or don't do anything that they think is a worthwhile waste of my time. Who cares if they approve of what I do with my time and if I'm a loser? I also feel frustrated because I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I think I care more if I'm losing myself if I'm wasting my time. That's a frustrating feeling. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere on a "project". And I'm also lazy-that's easy problem to solve-easier to say it's easy to solve than to actually solve it. Yet to get up and solve it is the easiest thing possible and saves a lot of headache adn time.

Yet, I also have been realizing that to get something done I need to completely rely on Christ... I mean get something done in the way that 1) I want to become the person God wants me to be 2) I want to be this person so I can rely on Him and perform well on the project He's assigned to me and 3) I want to give myself to Him and be part of Him (but lately I've been treating this also like a task). The problem with all these goals is that first of all, I shouldn't treat these items like goals and pursue them the way I'd do a chore and cross it off the checklist.

I need to carry my own cross. Come to the realization I guess? of my own reliance on Him. And then cry out for more God.

I realized today that when people keep telling me to submit to Him, they were right. I kept trying to submit to God, by just telling Him "I give everything to You". But I keep hitting a block and I felt no closer to God for the last 2 weeks (something that finally changed on Christmas Eve when I realized why). Maybe God has a different interpretation of submitting than the interpretation I have.

I keep talking about love on this blog. Today I was reading the 1 Corinthians 13:4 passage about love.

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

A realization struck me. What God sees as submitting is to love others. To love as 1 Corinthians 13:4. This is the deepest kind of submitting, because to do so means to start losing the selfish part of yourself and because God IS love itself. To love others will only be doing God a kindness. To lose yourself.

I have been having a tough time really being love to others. I have selfish tendencies. Sometimes I don't feel I have the time or patience to spare others. And I have some bitter wounds that cause me to feel want to not love as I should. I could strike out and treat others as some people who hurt me in the past have. I think already I'm showing some poisonous patterns and I need to change them before I lose the parts of myself I've worked so hard to get back. I talked to Jay recently, and he helped me heal by helping me to understand what happened from his perspective. He told me he loved me, that it wasn't because I'm worthless that he treated me the way he do. He treated me a certain way because he didn't believe someone could actually love him so much, so he kept trying to do different things to make me prove my love=a kinda preverse way of pushing me away and seeing if I really meant it when I said I loved him. :/ He apologized. The relatioinship was a good lesson for both of us. It made me so sad in the past, but I see now the good that's coming out of the bad, like everything else in my life. I guess, now God and time has changed him too. When I asked Jay if he still loves me, he said he loves me but not like he used to, that that the love has evolved and matured. I agreed with him. The last thing I need is entanglement in an old love affair when I'm trying to do something new with my life, but it is good to talk to someone who does know me really well and can give me perspective. I wouldn't want to get back with Jay, but I'm glad to see God has done a good, redeeming work in Jay's life too. It makes me feel relieved that God has a plan for good and happy to see that God loves Jay too.

Also, when I asked Jay what I can do to break any destructive patterns from my past, he told me something that I'm glad he said. Jay said, "You have to forgive. Bring your pain to God...Put down the fear."

Hopefully this realization and verse will help me with time.

MercyMe Lyrics

"Meeting is the beginning of parting"
Japanese proverb

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I quit my job yesterday. After I drove up to work, I prayed. Finally I made up my mind. My boss called me in to talk to him and I gave him my 2-weeks notice. He asked if I wanted to stay for 2 more weeks or leave that day. I decided it was best to leave. In half an hour, I had cleaned out my desk, packed and said goodbye to everyone. It was abrupt. But before I made the decision, I was suffering from a crazy rollercoaster emotional ride. Now, I feel soooo calm. It almost feels like I'm on Prozac.

I spent most of the day today learning guitar from a friend and finding opportunities for the next month or so. Life is looking up. I am truly blessed.

Quote of the Day - Daniel J. Boorstin - "Freedom means the opportunity to be what we never thought we would be."

Not that I didn't know this..but I guess being quoted gives one's statement more authority

Quote of the Day - David Sarnoff - "Nobody can be successful unless he loves his work."

I'm not weird!

To give or not to give?

In order to go higher

I am at a place where I can not beaer certain compromises I see in my life. I am tired of being stuck, of being a nice Christian, of being respectable and nice.

Someone told me last weekend, at the Winter Retreat (the subject was about strengthening the inner spiritual man), that "It's worth wasting your life away for Jesus." I just looked at him with big, wondering eyes, thinking inside, is he talking about other people's opinion of me wasting my life or his opinion of what a wasted life could be or my opinion of what could be wasting my life? But if I'm not doing what I'm called to do or want to do, am I not wasting my life? Looking back, will I regret trading my dreams for lesser ones just to please other people? Is it worth it for someone else's good opinion?

I wonder if this relates, if this has anything to do with my performance lately at work. I have been dissatisfied with my job for a month or so now. It's compromising the quality of my life in a way..I want to quit. My boss told me today I'm purposely messing up. I think my boss wants to fire me.

Marie Digby - Unfold (Original Song)

I'm happy to have discovered this girl, Marie Digby's, music on youtube. I'm in LOVE with her and her music. Makes me feel...well her music describes how I feel. For a while, the subject of her song is what I've been stumbling over. Lately I want to unfold and open myself to new experiences in life and more than that, to new part of myself and love, even though it might mean being broken. I'm broken because I'm afraid of making mistakes..so I can't possibly build a new foundation to stand upon. I love God, but I also feel there's more to life that God wants me to experience life more fully. I'm really really afraid..trembling and scared and guarded. I also realized, to be touched doesn't mean I have to lose myself.

The lyrics are perfect. This is what Marie Digby says:
"This is a song I wrote recently called 'Unfold'.. it's probably the most personal song i've ever written . it came out of my frustration at my tendency to shut people out. Especially in love, i found myself always finding reasons to back away and i couldn't figure out why. This song is literally, my thinking process in trying to understand how i became this person and if i have the power to change it. here are the lyrics:

Unfold -

what i can remember
is alot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can't quite put my
finger down on the moment
that i became like ... this

you see, i'm the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
and yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken by my own doing
and i can't feel
anything, anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i'm still real..

my soul
it's dying to be free
i can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's up to me to choose..
what kind of life i lead.

cause i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me...

love me.. love me.."

Superchic[k] - Stand In The Rain
From the album Beauty From Pain 1.1

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
But she knows that when she’s all alone
It feels like it’s all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

Chorus:
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear’s whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

(2x’s)
Chorus:

Hungry to Be Love To Others

I had undoubtedly a revelation. Somehow I've been alone for years, part of me kept from others. I believed and think I still kinda believe that love is important..maybe necessary in the grand construct of humankind..but I don't need others. Then I learned I needed others. Then I learned that maybe I need to be loved too...my lesson in the last day or two is about my need to be loved too. I'm such a silly goose-trying to love others but not accepting love for myself.

Then I had a revelation the other day that maybe only a food lover like me can understand. Our bodies are temples of God. Humans stop for food several times a day because it is NECESSARY. It sustains and nourishes our bodies. That is how God constructed us-we need the energy to burn calories to even continue to be. Similarly, humans are made to love and give love to others. It's not just a whim, it's a need. Wouldn't it be silly to say "I don't need food" and try to exist without it? It's the same concept with love.

I'm nerdy, I know. I think about weird things like this.

New LIfe Through Jesus

Hi,
This is my new blog. I haven't had one in 2 years. Life has been teaching me many lessons, and I think I need a place to vent and structure my thoughts. Writing is a great outlet, and I type a whole lot faster than I write on paper. So here goes...

A lot has happened in the 2 years since I had my last blog. My last blog shows an incredibly different person, both on the inside and outside. I think I needed a fresh piece of paper so I don't let the past thoughts from my old blog cause me to feel down. My spirit has been transformed through Jesus Christ. Now, before you go off and write me off as a zealot (for those non-religious reading this) I have a lot to share about how I used to be and what changed...ONE THING caused me to make more positive life choices. And I'm grateful to have met Him and become the new person I am today, not through my own power, but through finding Jesus Christ to be the center of my life and being.

Ok, so I am a zealot. But guess what? This really is the best life I've ever lived, as the child of an Almighty Father who is incredibly loving, omnipotent, comforting, true and powerful and all mighty...and I want to share more about it. He plans for me, takes care of me, knows my every need and He never let me down...and He never will cause through it all. He's been the only one to see me with His eyes and guide me at every step, whether the action was little or small I knew He was there by the "coincidences" that occured or the way things worked out. Even the heartbreak of the last 2 years turned out for my good. I learned so much through weathering the storm-things like faith, grace and God's endurance and love through all. I just want to be just like Him. I want to say I love Him with all my heart and soul. Anything I have that might be a source of glory for Him. Now how could I possibly want to do something like this?? I mean..do I just automatically just develop this much awe and faith in a deity just because I know Him to be true? No. Jesus is VERY real in my life and in my eyes. I've been through so much. I've known His love. And because I know God's love, His justice, His goodness and how real He is...I cannot give enough love back. That's how much love has caused me to change. Because God is love. And God is very real. His sacrifice on the cross is the ultimate form of love for me. I cannot overlook that. His love not only changed it, it makes me want to give back-to love as He did, to obey as He did, to be as real as He was with others and God, to show mercy and challenge someone else to be a better person. All in the name of God. A broken heart cannot be healed with interactions with the world, but only through the mercy, grace and love of Jesus Christ..through the actions of another who shows the love of JChrist.

I had a revelation today about true love.

Song: "Songbird"-Eva Cassidy